REVIEWS COURTESY OF ZXSR

Don't Buy This
Firebird Software Ltd
1985
Crash Issue 17, Jun 1985   page(s) 46,47

Producer: Firebird
Memory Required: 16/48K
Retail Price: £2.50 - it's a steal!
Language: Megabasic (it's a very good basic though)
Author: Anon

RACE ACE

Race Ace is a very straightforward racing game, in fact its simplicity is one of its strongest features because you can get stuck in straight away. The player steers one of nine little cars round a fixed track, the others being controlled by the computer. Any one of 250 speeds can be selected for a race of four or more laps. At first I thought the game a little limiting because it only has one track until I realised that by using the simple trick of going backwards a completely new race could be run - unfortunately the other cars persisted in going the wrong way. The graphics are very simple but this is necessary in order to follow the fast action that the game provides. A particularly admirable feature is that no matter what happens to the player's car, like colliding with another car, or with the kerb, or indeed with anything, it suffers no damage. This means that since your car can't be damaged you won't have to keep going back to the start as other race games tend to insist you do. Once your car pulls out into the lead then the race is over: this neatly avoids the tedium you encounter in games like Full Throttle of having to stay ahead once you are.

FIDO

This same requires the player to position the dog, Fido, so that when he sits down and wags his tail he batters little moles to death. The moles keep popping up at the bottom of the screen. This may sound easy to do but you must be careful not to exhaust the little pooch, his energy decreases as he moves across the screen so you must guide him to his feed bowl to boost his energy. The game gets harder still when you consider the action of the birds, they just fly across the screen but because Fido is larger when seated than when standing the birds can crash into his head and kill him. To avoid this awful end Fido can duck (another sort of bird), you do this by making him stand up. To make the game harder still the program seems to have been written so that every now and then Fido dies for absolutely no apparent reason - very realistic.

WEASEL WILLY

This has simply got to be the best version of Weasel Willy available. The object of the game is to guide what looks like a bear round the screen without touching the trees, which are cunningly placed at random. Should you collide with any object then a superb message comes up saying 'YOU'VE BLOWN IT' and you lose a life. If you manage to steer the bear round the park then just when you least expect i tthe screen will re-draw with more trees all in different places. You continue in this way until you have exhausted all of your lives, which is inevitable because nobody is that good. The program has some neat touches, two in fact. The first is a league table and the second lets the player re-define the keys, this feature is cleverly offered every time you re-start the game just in case you feel like a change. I particularly liked the way the bear flashes. What happened to the Weasel?

FIDO 2

Fido 2 is probably better known under its other title of Puppy Power. The gameplay in this powerful follow up to the immensely successful Fido remains the same, ie to batter the moles with your tail, this version is a great deal harder though, as befits a sequel. Firstly, although the programmers have left the diminishing energy bar in, they have cunningly left the food bowl out so Fido starves to death. This game has more screens than before: rather than just a simple street scene we now have a cave and beach scene as well. What makes Fido 2 such a winner is the way Fido is chased by little thingies. If they catch him while he trying to batter a mole then he will die. The pursuing objects vary from screen to screen; in the first screen we have a purple bust of a chap with a very long nose, the other screens have flowering scotch thistles, ashtrays with smoking cigarettes, smashed up sandcastles and finally toy pistols. All of the backdrops have doors of some kind, but the amazing thing is that no matter what you do you won't be able to get through any of them. Should you find the game too hard the programmers have built in a feature which allows you to flick through the five screens and admire the graphics.

FRUIT MACHINE

Everybody knows how to play this so perhaps I should point out the features that can be used to advance your enjoyment of the game. Firstly there is a an accountant telling you how much money you have left out of your original pound. Every so often, about once in a thousand pulls, you can take advantage of the Nudge feature, the hold facility is offered a little more frequently. On winning you will be asked if you want to gamble, another screen puts this offer to reality and two numbers will flash, the first slightly higher than your initial win, the second will be nothing, that's what I call gambling. One problem with many fruit machine programs is the sheer speed at which everything happens, not with this game, this is nice and ever so slow, the player can sit back and be sure of missing nothing.

COMMENTS

Control keys: Z/M left/right X to brake but it rather depends on the game
Joystick: none on one; others allowed the Kempston but didn't say why
Keyboard: ours had funny little rubber keys that squished up when you pressed them this tended to make rapid game play difficult but that didn't matter since rapid game play isn't required
Use of colour: some of them had colour and those colours looked very... coloured
Graphics: fairly uncomplicated some were actually very uncomplicated
Sound: I don't think there was any, apart from the odd bleep
Skill levels: not so much skill as persistence
Lives: by and large, taken as a whole, there were too many

N.B. Using the old CRASH system of having the overall figure as a strict average of the other marks, it looks much better that way. One other point I feel that 'should raise is that The Headitor tells me that because this package has five games all on one tape tradition demands that the percentages must be given in brackets. This seems a shame because readers might get the idea that this means they are minus points, but that would be silly as only accountants put negative numbers in brackets and boring accountants don't read CRASH anyway, do they? (Answers, on an postcard please, to J Spencer CRASH)


Blurb: A QUICK WORD FIRST... We've had some fun this month extracting the Michael from the Software Editor. Playing on his kind, easy going temperament we handed him a copy of Firebird's Don't Buy This and persuaded him that it was a collection of megabrill games. At first he seemed less than convinced so we produced a few review sheets extolling its virtues. Graeme finally clinched it by telling him that he hadn't learned to appreciate the more subtle aspects of some Spectrum games. Almost convinced, Spencer the Corpulent then phoned Firebird - so we all dashed upstairs to listen in on the extension... 'We have a copy of your latest release here but it seems to have five games all on one tape, surely there must have been a mistake?' 'No there's no mistake, at least not as far as those games are concerned.' 'Why is it called Don't Buy This when it seems such great value?' 'Who did you say you were?' 'Jeremy Spencer from CRASH' 'Are you serious?' 'What? about being from CRASH?' 'No, about the games.' 'Well of course I am.' 'Are you the new Software Editor? The guy that used to sell yellow wellingtons for horses, the ones you filled with water?' 'Well... er... yes' '... and now you own an Amstrad and a lamb that answers to the name of Ernie?' 'Yes' '... and a dog that chews empty wine bottles?' 'well yes but what...' '... you are serious!' 'Yes of course but why call the cassette "Don't Buy This"?' 'It wasn't meant to be called Don't Buy This but the type-setters made a mistake.' 'What was it meant to be called?' 'Oh it's been called all sorts of things, lots and lots of different names but since we've had so many inlay cards printed it seemed to stick you see.' 'Fair enough I suppose, perhaps you could give me the names of the authors? I can't find any credits.' 'Too right, John... they said they wanted to be kept out of it, out of the limelight I mean, and for that matter perhaps you could keep Firebird's name out as well... please.' 'Well that's very modest of you.' 'All part of the image you know.' BBRRRRRRRRRRRR

Use of Computer6%
Graphics17%
Playability10%
Getting Started27%
Addictive Qualities76%
Value for Money700%
Overall39.333333%
Summary: General Rating: I'm told it's great.

Transcript by Chris Bourne

Your Spectrum Issue 17, Aug 1985   page(s) 42

Dave: The games included on this tape are apparently the worst games submitted to Firebird for publication. Two of them star a puppy called Fido who has to flatten moles with his tail while avoiding birds flying overhead - both games are original and well worth a couple of minutes' attention. Race Ace is another 'also-ran', featuring a character-sized car moving around a single-screen plan view race track - there are two speeds: tediously slow or ridiculously fast! Moving on, there's Weasel Willy and a Fruit Machine.

And that's really what you want to do when you're checking out this one ... 'move on'. The games aren't that bad as do-it-yourself games but, they won't provide that much fun. Take a good look at the words printed on the outside of the package before you buy... the title of the package really does say it all. 1/5 MISS

Ross: Treat the title of this game like a Government Health Warning ... except this time, take notice of it! Believe me, the Spectrum loading pattern is much more exciting than the game. 1/5 MISS

Roger: Well, I for one will certainly buy it. They may not be great games, but they're fun ... and that must count for quite a lot! At least you know what you're getting! 2/5 MISS


REVIEW BY: Dave Nicholls, Ross Holman, Roger Willis

Dave1/5
Ross1/5
Roger2/5
Transcript by Chris Bourne

Sinclair User Issue 40, Jul 1985   page(s) 26

Publisher: Firebird
Price: £2.50
Memory: 48K
Joystick: Kempston

Warning. This cassette contains five of the most uninspired games ever to disgrace the Spectrum.

In Fido I and Fido if you play Fido the mole bashing pup. When a mole incautiously lifts its head above ground, Fido rushes over, sits down and thumps it with its tail.

Weasel Willy refused to load. The cassette inlay states that 'playing the game is easier than setting the keys'.

Race Ace is the antithesis of any race game ever. It is alternatively too slow and too fast, and to increase playability the control keys are backwards - 'left is left when the kart goes up but right when the kart comes down...'

You are advised to play Fruit Machine at around four in the morning when you are asleep.

Firebird disclaims all responsibility for the game and states that the product 'may be copied, lent, hired or transmitted at will.' it also advises action if the programming is faulty - put sticky tape over the lug holes and use it as a blank cassette.


REVIEW BY: Clare Edgeley

Overall2/5
Transcript by Chris Bourne

C&VG (Computer & Video Games) Issue 45, Jul 1985   page(s) 94

MACHINE: Spectrum
SUPPLIER: Firebird
PRICE: £2.50

Don't Buy This claims to be a collection of the five worst games ever. We believe it.

Firebird proudly boasts: "This is the beginning of the end of games as we know them."

Game titles are Race Ace, Fido 1, Weasel Willy, Fido 2 and Fruit Machine.

It's hard to rate games that are publicised as being bad. But they are good for a laugh. Perhaps it's the start of a new cult.

As Firebird warns "Approach this tape with caution."


Transcript by Chris Bourne

Sinclair Programs Issue 34, Aug 1985   page(s) 17

PRICE: Too much

How do you review a game which explicitly tells you: Don't Buy This? Not only that, it tells you that these are meant to be five of the worst games ever.

Fruit machine can safely claim to be one of the slowest versions of a fruit machine ever produced. Race Ace, offered 250 speeds to the budding racing driver, each of which managed to be either too fast or too slow. Still, what do you expect from eight screens of Basic?

Weasel Willy may be good, but we cannot comment, because it would not load. The loading screen was fairly rough, though, if that is any help. The gems of the piece are Fido One and Two in which, against a variety of backgrounds, a dog has to sit and smash moles to death with its tail.

Surely games for the Spectrum have not been of a high standard for long enough for the industry to start being smart-alec on the subject? These games were fairly amusing for five minutes on a review copy. Whatever you do, do not buy them.

Don't Buy This is produced for the 48K Spectrum by Firebird Software, Wellington House, Upper St Martin's Lane, London WC2.


Rating9%
Transcript by Chris Bourne

ZX Computing Issue 20, Aug 1985   page(s) 74

Firebird, the BT company who made such an impact with their first collection of SW have added to their range with the introduction of seven new programs in their Silver, £2.50, series.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, DON'T BUY THIS is a collection of some of the worst games sent to Firebird. Definitely not recommended unless you want to see how NOT to write program! All in all, apart from this last one, the Firebird range provides good value and a wide selection - I wish I'd bought shares in BT.


Transcript by Chris Bourne

All information in this page is provided by ZXSR instead of ZXDB